With the surge of instant messaging - whether through AOL, Yahoo or one road runner giving a letter to another - there is now the need for good away messages. An away message is similar to an answering machine, telling a friend, relative or stalker of one's absence and then kindly asking for a response. In order to help society - since we all know that's my general goal in life - I have been thinking for the past four minutes of possible away messages for general worldwide usage. But then I realized that there was no universal language, except for the music of Ruben Studdard, so I will instead resort to providing tips�

Quotes seem to be a popular part of away messages. People tend to quote famous people, or those whose opinions matter, because it tends to be easier to use someone else's words than to use your own. Something tells me, though, that if people like John Lennon and John F. Kennedy knew that their words were being used in away messages, they would die. And that's a big deal considering they are already dead. So I suggest that people start quoting those whom no one knows or cares about. You know, someone like me. I have 400 columns you can borrow from, or to save you time, go ahead and use this: "I don't really like scrambled eggs. The shells always cut my tongue."

Aside from using an obscure quote, it also seems necessary to make it seem like you are busy. You know, so busy that you couldn't even exit your messaging program but somehow weren't too busy to type an away message. Go figure. Telling people you are busy just won't cut it, however, because we all know that people lie, except for me when I made that scrambled eggs comment. Thus, being more subtle about one's busy schedule is key, ie: "I really don't like scrambled eggs. The shells always cut my tongue." This may seem like a previous example, but look closely: I reversed two of the words for effect...

My final tip for away messages will likely revolutionize the way we all look at life. I really don't like that Mikey character; I still don't think he enjoyed the cereal� Oh, I'm sorry, wrong life...

At any rate, my final tip is that since people try so hard to be unique with their messages and make comments that make sense, why not just list a bunch of random words that you think people may want to use in conversation? I would suggest "mouse pad" and "boomerang" as starters. Or maybe just use a semi-colon as an away message because people need to start appreciating those more. The same goes for telemarketers, minus the appreciation part...

When all else fails, realize that an away message can simply state "I am not here. Leave a message." Just keep in mind that no one will talk to you� ever� again. But I guess that's fine. You're too busy anyway�

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, "Progressive Revelations," has been ongoing since 1998. (http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com)